There is always that one person that makes you question if being nice is even worth it.
I have been with my job for almost a year now, and I’ve trained many of the new recruits to do their job. When I started this job, I had decided that I would be a responsible older woman, a mother, and a “wife” by not consorting with my coworkers outside of work. I have never really had any good experiences with that, so I decided this time would be different. I would go to work, come home, repeat.
That seemed to work, for a little bit… but then it got a little lonely. I started thinking, maybe it would be nice to have at least one “friend” that I could maybe have lunch with once in a while or hang out with, even car pool with…
Then we hired a new employee. I trained her and it was great. We laughed and joked and talked about a lot of different things. It was really nice. I hadn’t had anyone to really talk to once the other coworker switched to an evening shift. I trained her for two days, we had lunch after her last training shift, and then she was off to work different shifts.
For a while we got along, but then she fell into the crowd at work. The younger clique that was there, and she turned on me. Human resources came to me stating that she had complained about me. I laughed it off, although I was incredibly hurt; and there was no way to tell her how I felt and ask her why she felt that way without losing my job. So, I became bitter. The other coworkers began to like me less and work became stressful. Coworkers making stabs at me about the situation and then I got this uncomfortable feeling that everyone was against me.
I had become a leper. I was an enemy. I did my job and I followed all directions and when things got hard for the others, they came after me with ways to get me in trouble. My coworkers were deliberately trying to get me to lose my job.
Today, I realized that my kindness was not rewarded, because although I had been kind to her I hadn’t been kind to another. [Maybe it was God showing me what it was like to be the other employee that I had no shame in making it known that I was not interested in any communication with him. Today, I asked for his forgiveness for my actions, we hugged, and I feel a little better now.]
She is now leaving her position and although I should feel glad that she is leaving, I am actually saddened by it. I have not had a chance to be a mature adult and apologize for ever making her feel that I meant to do her harm (which I never intentionally did) and to seek her forgiveness and to wish her luck. Although, I know I was not in the wrong to begin with, I have been angry towards her ever since her complaint. That, in itself, is wrong. Avoiding her and being uncomfortable to even speak to her due to everything had made work all the more intolerable. Non-communication made it hard to work, and even working the same shift with her was annoying and painful.
I realized today: it didn’t have to be.
I made work worse for myself. I made myself more bitter and uncomfortable. I made myself more of an enemy than a civil coworker, and today I sealed that label on myself even more by my attitude towards her just because I was being hateful when I could have been professional. So, even though I didn’t do anything to begin with (intentionally), I have made an intentional effort to be a hateful person now. That, my friends, is wrong. Rather than kill them with kindness, I have returned her hateful feelings in kind. You know who is more miserable, though? Me. Why? Because she is not lonely at work. Everyone loves her and she will be missed by many at work. While dropping my name in the mud and I dragged it for her by being hateful.
I am repentant. I would like to seek her forgiveness just because it is the right thing to do. I want to do something nice before she goes, because in the end, she’s not a bad person and I really wanted to be friends with her… I just want my conscience to be clean; to know that in the end, I did apologize for my actions after the fact. I am doing it because the Lord would want it that way. So, I have decided on the last shift I work with her, I will try to talk to her and at least get my point across. Even if she does not accept it, at least I know that I tried.
I won’t stop trying to be kind to others, and her reaction to my kindness has made me a little more cautious of new employees… but with each new person it is a new slate, and not everyone will like you, no matter how nice you can be. Work ethic and social statuses and interests and so forth will either unite or divide…
But like the good book says, “…Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself…” (Mark 12:31 KJV)
Forgiveness is one thing. Loving everyone no matter what is another…
And both are things I need to work on.
Until next time. ~♥~